Groundhog Day: stepping away from trying to be chosen, towards choosing the work to continue

A North American colleague reminded me that today, 2 February, is known as Groundhog Day. 

In the film, Bill Murray’s character, a TV weatherman, wakes up to the same day, over and over again. Same town, same people, same outcomes. Until something changes.

My colleague had shared this with me 15 minutes after I opened an email from the Churchill Fellowship to say my application* was not put through to interview.

The news stung more than I expected. And I cried.

Even though I put time and effort into the application, and particularly in developing the underlying project idea, I knew it was a long shot. The turndown email shared that they received 1,723 applications and in December last year, I was happy to get through the second round.

So why did it sting so much now?

On first read, the feedback was brief:

The application needed to be clearer for us to properly assess the project.

The application needed to demonstrate that the aims of the overseas learning can be achieved within the timescale.

We hope you will understand that it is not possible for us to discuss or provide any further feedback.

Was it a full project? Or was it still an emerging idea and practice?

On reflection, I can see now that the idea I put forward for the fellowship – understanding the conditions for courageous change – was perhaps more of a line of inquiry than a compartmentalised project they were looking for. An emerging practice for exploring what makes these conditions possible, and for testing what makes them true.

Earlier today I had a moment of regret and longing that I hadn’t created a simpler, more ‘marketable’ project. One with more contained milestones. One that better aligns with the kinds of boxes that panels need to assess.

What complicates all these feelings is that, in the past week, I’ve had some of the most grounded, generous and connected conversations about this idea and the surrounding work. People are leaning in. They recognise the need and urgency from within their own work. The next steps are coming alive, and taking shape, between us.

And returning to today’s theme: Groundhog Day, today’s application rejection is not the first. With this fellowship. Or with other programmes over the years; it’s become somewhat of a disheartening process.

I haven’t (yet!) mastered how to communicate big ideas of change within 200-word limits.

To draw down the idea into milestone deliverables. 

It’s a bit of a chicken-and-egg scenario: you need the structure, support and protected time to create clarity and bring the idea to life, but the idea also needs to be far enough along to communicate through an assessment process. The idea needs to be small enough to only receive funding for the individual applicant working on it, but significant enough to create measurable change and demonstrate this through a case study. 

Before applying last year, I joined a Fellowship briefing call, and they said that typically they accept Fellows on their third year of application. This was my second.

What, and where, the idea *is* now

Throughout the day, it’s become clear to me that the idea wasn’t ready for a structured schedule.

The idea wasn’t yet ready to live inside 200 carefully measured words.

In this moment, it’s the kind of work that first needs more conversation before it can be evaluated in a format that panels are asked to assess.

While part of me still longs for the validation of a respected programme, and the support and challenge that peers would bring, I know that the work will continue.

So in the spirit of stepping out of my Groundhog Day, and stepping away from trying to be chosen towards choosing the work to continue, here’s my choice:

keep showing up, keep doing the work, and keep finding the others.

And truly, given the quality of conversations that have already started, with the quality of people who are already leaning in, my tears have already dried.

I sit here with a smile, trusting that even though my application wasn’t successful through this fellowship programme, the work has already begun.                                                                                                                           

 * This series of posts was inspired by the idea I put forward in my Fellowship application: read more here. 

Thinking Out Loud is where I share short pieces of thinking from the middle of the work. Ideas, questions and lived experiences, offered while they’re still forming. (Tiny Experiments Pact: Day 20/100).